This post has been very challenging to write. What I want to write about is easy but putting it into words is difficult. I have revised this post multiple times because I am having trouble figuring out what has been going on with me. I still don’t have the words but I will do the best I can.
As I’ve written, I’ve had some challenges these past years. I feel like I’m coming out the other end and part of the progress is learning to take care of myself; put my needs first. There was a very short time in my life when I learned this lesson and it became a habit. Things change, as they do, and I began putting myself farther down the list. I did this without even realizing I was doing it. It was only this year I realized I had neglected myself to the point of non-existence in my own mind.
There are very few things I need. I need Nature. Not just the local park where humans make it look like some people’s idea of perfect, spread fertilizers, pesticides, and herbicides. I need pure, unadultered Nature with its weeds, undergrowth, old growth trees, and woodsy smelling air. Nature is where I become rejuvenated. I never realized it was missing because, all the time I was growing up, I lived in it. It took years of living without Nature for me to even begin to have symptoms of losing internal energy. And, since so many years had passed between living in Nature and not living in Nature, I did not make the connection between my energy and my environment.
Since making the connection, I’ve been able to spend some time in Nature but I have found myself unable to make myself enough of a priority to spend enough time in Nature. Since making this connection, I’ve realized my metaphorical river within has run dry. Going out in Nature puts some water in my dry riverbed but it does not fill it. I need a monsoon to get the river flowing again.
As things are, I find myself getting easily angry with anyone who asks anything of me when I have nothing left to give. People around me have no idea I have nothing left to give them. When I talk of being tired or feeling crappy, people routinely tell me how good I look. As someone who has been diagnosed with two autoimmune dis-eases, I am very use to hearing, “But you look good!” I have begun to wonder if many autoimmune dis-eases are really just people who have a hard time putting themselves first. There are a number of people who ask me, “What are you going to do?”when I tell them I’m taking off in an RV. It seems like there are a majority of people who have no concept of the idea of self-care or truly living in each moment, without a plan, as doing something. People need to understand that even when we are doing nothing we are doing something.
The RV I’ve ordered is my transportation to Nature and will allow me to, once again, live in Nature so I can replenish my river. It will also take me away from my environment so the habits I’ve formed, where I cater to others before myself, can come to an end. I will no longer be around the people who are accustomend to me giving so I will feel less need to succumb to the pressure to please.
I don’t know how long I will need to be in Nature before the monsoon can fill my river within. I know this journey, in the RV, has other lessons for me as well. I have no clue as to what those lessons are but I am looking forward to all the experiences awaiting me. As always, I will share what I learn here.
Sometimes, I feel like I’m going off to sit on a mountain to see what spiritual insights will develop. In some ways, this is probably an accurate description. I often wonder what I will find. Some of the things I think I will find are calm, joy, health, strength, clear-headedness, and even more love for others. These are the things I found when I was taking care of myself many years ago. I hope I find them again.