I’ve always wanted to feel like my parents supported me unconditionally. I think that is a common theme among children. And, though I have tried for many, many years to conform to the accepted norms, I have finally accepted I will never be able to happily conform. Yes, I can conform if I am willing to be unhappy, unhealthy, and live a life which does not suit me. I am unwilling to live that life anymore. I realize this means I must be willing to accept all the consequences of my decision. I am willing.
I know my parents will not disown me so I am one of the lucky people; I know I won’t lose them. Some people have to face life without any of their family in order to live their lives. Of course, some people have to leave their families in order to have a life to live. I’m definitely lucky I’ve never been truly alone in the world and I haven’t ever really had to struggle. I’ve always had a roof over my head and food to eat. I admire people who have had a really tough life and come through it. Most I’ve met feel their scars deeply though they may not show those scars. Fortunately, I’ve been able to hear some of their stories and empathize with them. I see their courage and perseverance. I admire them. I’ve also compared myself to them. I’ve felt weak and afraid because I’ve not stepped into my life and the choices I’ve known I needed to make sooner. I’ve paid my own price for trying to conform. I guess we all have our path and struggles.
I am trying to look at each of my beliefs to see which ones work for me and discard those which do not work. This has brought me to some interesting crossroads. For instance, I no longer feel badly about loss. I use to suffer a lot around loss and I’ve experienced a lot of loss in my life. I’ve coped by shutting off my emotions and pretending I don’t care. It may seem I’m still doing that however, I’ve come to understand there is no loss. When souls die they simply go back to their lives which aren’t on Earth. They don’t die. They drop the shell of their bodies and return to their true selves. I know that place is a wonderful, loving place where everything makes sense and all questions are answered. Since I’ve come to this understanding, I can no longer feel sad about death. I am too busy being happy for the soul. I know any sadness is, for me, a selfishness on my part because I miss their physical presence. Yet I also realize the soul is more available to me, now they are dead, than they could have ever been in life. This realization and lack of loss makes funerals and all things associated with funerals no longer necessary for me. I don’t mean that disrespectfully. For me, I think a celebration is more in order than grieving.
I’m not judging anyone else’s belief about death. Everyone is entitled to their own beliefs. Some accept my viewpoint, even if they don’t understand it, and some judge. For the most part, I am okay with the judgments. However, I notice I am reactive about my parents questioning my beliefs. Upon examination, I realize I want them to just accept me without question and that is unreasonable on my part. I have to honor the fact they do not know my current belief system nor do they understand it. Like anyone else I encounter, I must be willing to explain my belief system and accept their confusion. Confusion is not necessarily disapproval. People need an opportunity to process my beliefs and allow them to soak in before they can decide if they disapprove, accept, or come to some middle ground.
I’m excited to step into a life where sadness is fleeting. I love that laughter will become the norm rather than the exception. I’m thrilled to meet situations where I experience reactions so I can look closely at the beliefs which caused the reaction and let go of the belief. I no longer wish to own any belief which causes me to feel badly or react in a way which feels constricting. I want to feel empathy, laughter, joy, openness, and love. I believe changing my beliefs is how I get where I want to live.