Jeff & I are finalizing our Wills, Power of Attorney papers, and Living Wills. This process does not bother me. I’m just happy to try to make things a bit less chaotic for anyone who is still alive, in my family, when I am dead. Truthfully, these items only really matter if Jeff & I both are dead because, if only one of us is dead, nothing really changes.
I am not afraid of death. I know many people who are afraid. I also know people who say they are not afraid but follow it up with words that say they are afraid. Agreed, I don’t want a long, painful death. I feel confident that is not in my future. I don’t know how I know that but, like many things I know about myself, it is just something I know. I guess I really believe I have a lot of control over what my future holds in many ways. Maybe not in every way but I think my belief system is very instrumental in my life. It has been proven to me over and over again.
For instance, I’ve known since I was really young that I would never have anything seriously wrong with me. So, when I was diagnosed with MS and then with Lyme, it didn’t really bother me. I recognize most people seem to feel these are serious dis-eases but I always felt neither dis-ease would end up being a problem in the long run. I thought I needed access to the drugs to help myself feel better but it turned out I was wrong about that. The MS drugs actually made me feel MUCH worse. The Lyme drugs pointed out to me that inflammation was a large part of my problem but they didn’t get rid of it and, eventually, I started having worse reactions to those drugs as well. That is when I finally accepted these diagnosis’ were not about the dis-eases but more about my life path and my journey to get where I’m going. I would tell you where I’m going but I don’t know.
I do know I’ve had to concentrate on the thoughts which run through my mind. I have found my thoughts influence how I feel so strongly they can make me feel full of energy or take away all my energy in just a second. It’s really challenging to break the cycle of the Ego talking within my mind but I am progressing in the journey. Just yesterday, I was talking with a couple who were obviously very upset about a friend. As I listened, I could feel my mind realizing I was supposed to be tensing and getting caught up in the story but I couldn’t figure out why. After asking some questions to clarify what they were saying, I realized they were reacting to the situation as if it were a bad thing whereas I would be thankful for the situation. I love when these little things happen as they point out to me how much I am changing. In the past, I would have been right there with them about how their friend got the raw end of the deal. Now, I just wondered why their friend didn’t realize what a blessing they’d received.
Am I perfect in this? Not by any means. I still have my triggers. I am learning to quickly recognize when my buttons get pushed so I can make a choice as to whether I wish to continue reacting or realize the incident is not about me. Sometimes, I choose to react. Sometimes, I choose to understand the incident has nothing to do with me. When I choose to react, I can feel how my body changes and I don’t like it. I can tell those reactions are part of the reason I’ve had so many health issues. So, I find myself choosing me and letting everyone else have their feelings which have nothing to do with me, even if they think I’m the cause. By the way, this also applies to positive incidents where people want to give me credit for changes in their lives. I may have helped them see a different point of view but they are the ones who implement the change.
What does all this have to do with death and dying? I’m not concerned any more with what HAS to be done with my life. I’m lucky I’ve reached a point where I know everything is flowing exactly as it is meant to be, though I sometimes forget. Of course, I’m pretty sure I have many years left ahead of me. Others will disagree and often do but that is their reality and I prefer mine. After all, our individual realities direct how we normally live. It is only when we realize this reality is an illusion that we can connect with the larger picture and realize none of this is important. The only truly important thing is connecting through love and supporting each other’s highest Spiritual Self. When we accomplish this goal, we also realize there is no such thing as death because we are immortal. Our bodies are just vessels which keep us small and contained. Our bodies are not who we are.