How did I end up here, again? This is a question that comes up often for me. It’s the question I ask when I think I’ve dealt with a “problem” and then, inexplicably, it seems I am having the same problem again. Okay, it has a variation and is slightly or even obviously different but it feels like the same old problem.
Over the years, I’ve realized there are many levels of learning that go into releasing my reaction to a “problem.” I have figured out, even after releasing an emotion, it comes back in different forms to access deeper and deeper avenues of that emotion. For instance, abandonment is one of my issues. Actually, I think abandonment might be my only issue. It is at the root of the majority of my reactions. I have released this issue, and variations of it, for so long I am surprised when I am still surprised when it comes up again. Each time I deal with abandonment, I learn more about myself and what I need to do to care more completely for myself.
This most recent encounter with my abandonment issue is teaching me a new lesson. I have been feeling angry and depressed and, recently, it morphed into a strong desire to escape my life. I didn’t know why. The lesson I learned is to become more aware of my feelings around an emotion. Today, I decided to ask myself what I was feeling and when was the last time I felt this way. It helped me figure out what has been going on.
Why do I want to escape my life? I’ll be honest. Since my issue is abandonment, I tend to want to run away from relationships; all relationships. I’m willing to deal with relationships but, when a rough patch hits, I begin to feel alone and then my desire to run away begins. I am doing better about not running away because, now, when I first feel something is off, I bring it up. If the other person communicates with me then we can work through all the debris and figure out what is happening and how to get things back on course. If the other person does not communicate, I will try to figure it out, on my own, but, eventually, I just end up angry because I’m doing all the work, feeling frustrated, getting nowhere, and, finally, I want to throw in the towel.
However, I know I came to Earth to work on relationships in this lifetime. Yes, my mission is to do the one thing I find the most difficult. Can we say irony? So, at least I have finally figured out why I’m having a problem so I can put it into understandable words. Now it will be much easier to accomplish a goal. I’m feeling better already.