I have developed an awareness of what is happening within my body which is pretty perceptive, accurate, and gives me early indicators for how I’m doing and what I need to be doing. While I’ve had this awareness for a while, I’ve found it difficult to actually do what I need to do for myself. Recently I discovered I don’t take care of myself when I know I need to because I am still looking outside myself for approval. I truly had thought I didn’t care about other’s opinions. Mostly, that was true. However, I still wanted recognition for my thoughts, accomplishments, and abilities. So, now I am working on recognizing when I am ignoring what I need to do for me and seeking approval outside myself.
All of this is important because taking care of myself is why I haven’t blogged in a while. I had been doing very well at taking care of myself and I was feeling really well: waking up feeling refreshed, ready to do things I wanted to accomplish, & adding more people to my schedule. I’ve been busy. When I was able to let go of the emotions around my perception of what others wanted of me, I found myself having more energy for the things I wanted to do with my life. This lasted for a full 2 weeks before I started, once again, allowing my perception of what others wanted to influence how I lived. I began feeling more tired. I ignored it and did what I thought I “had” to do until my body said, “Take care of yourself or I will stop you in your tracks again.” I paid attention to that because, for me, that is more scary than living up to what I think I have to do to make others happy. So, again, I’ve gotten things under control and I’m mentally and emotionally back on track to try again. Thankfully, we are experiencing a bit of cold and snow so doing the stuff we were doing is on hold.
The key to all of this is realizing that when I think I have to do something to please someone else, it is my perception of reality and not necessarily what is real. Even if my perception is accurate, and the other person does what me to do something, I have to ask myself if doing the “stuff” is life/death. If not, then it can wait until I’ve taken care of myself. The more I take care of myself, the more I will be able to take care of others. It’s a process. I will grow and regress probably many times. Hopefully, I am learning quickly enough I won’t need to repeat this lesson.