I have not written for a few days because, on Monday, I lost my calm and it has taken me this long to get back to some clarity. I still know I wish to live in an open, generous, loving way and I wish to have zero conflict in my life. I know both of those are lofty goals and this latest hand grenade into my calm is one of my opportunities to learn.
One of the things I know is I am responsible for any conflict I feel. I am responsible for my emotions and my reactions to what is happening around me. The only reason I react to what is happening around me is because I learned the behavior when I was younger and had no control over what happened in my life. Of course, I also realize we control only ourselves. I was taught what to feel and how to react by observing others and from being rewarded for my behavior. Now, I wish to let go of my reactions which is easier said than done because even though I want to live an open, generous, loving life, I also want things done my way. That creates conflict within me and undermines the life I say I want to experience. I hate it when that happens! So, I have to choose: live an open, generous, loving life or have things done my way. I decided again today that I will choose an open, generous, loving life. So, I have let my conflict go and I am back to calm. I say I’ve chosen the open, generous, loving life again because I have to choose it each day. Kind of like an addict has to choose to be sober each day, I have to choose to be different in life and release the habits I learned and ingrained so long ago.
On the plus side, I did notice, even though I was incredibly angry, I did not raise my voice. I also tried to listen to the other side and explain my thoughts and reasoning. As angry as I was, this was a huge step forward for me. Still none of the anger needed to exist if I hadn’t reacted. So, there is no justification for my reacting. There is also no blame. My ego got the better of me.
This incident has gotten me thinking, again, about how to really live in this open, generous, loving place at all times. I like to think about extreme situations because, if I can figure out how to be in the extreme situation, then everyday life is easy to handle. My extreme situation that tests open, generous, love is to be held captive and tortured with little if any likelihood of escape or rescue. How do I stay open, generous, and loving in that situation? How do I hold love for someone who would torture me? Jesus did it while carrying and hanging from the cross. Can I get to a place where I really recognize that this body is simply a vessel and my soul is eternal. I realize that on an intellectual level but can I get to the point where I realize it on an emotional level? Death doesn’t scare me because I know I will not die; my soul will live on always. I know my ego likes being here on this earth and living this life so is my ego what is keeping me attached to the conflict? According to “A Course In Miracles” the answer is “Yes.” I believe I can let go of my ego even though I have yet to release it completely. Wish me luck!