For several weeks, I’ve felt lethargic and wondered if I was getting sick. Earlier this week, I spent some time thinking about what I’ve been experiencing. I’m not sick and I don’t really feel tired so I began trying to figure out what is happening and why. I’ve been very calm. When I’ve felt this way in the past, it meant I was sick or getting sick plus I was tired and needed sleep. However, sick and tired did not apply in this situation.
Finally, I remembered I’ve been asking for enlightenment. I don’t feel enlightened but I do think of enlightenment as being calm. Calmness is not a feeling I’m use to. Several years ago I realized I kept my butt perpetually clenched. That was the first time I realized I was tense all the time. I had always just considered myself focused and driven. It took several years to unclench my behind and realize I usually felt anxious and stressed. This feeling of calmness I’ve been experiencing is a very different feeling for me and feels unnatural. I know it is what I want but now I have to figure out how to operate while feeling this calmness.
First, I thought scheduling my day would help me stay calm and accomplish things as well. That didn’t work. So, I’m trying a different tack. I will keep a list of things I can turn to when I want to accomplish something but am so unmotivated I can’t think straight. I am feeling like I’m accomplishing more things today.
I’m still reading “A Course In Miracles.” It is a long book! However, it is a really good book and not as repetitive as I originally thought it might be. I’m enjoying it and it is really helping me commit to the idea of working towards enlightenment. I should probably explain that my idea of enlightenment comes from watching Buddhist monks. The monks always seem so calm and centered and like nothing will ever ruffle them and they also seem to get a lot done. I want to exude love, calm, and peace while being able to do all the things I wish to accomplish in life.
The biggest change I’ve noticed about myself is that I just don’t seem to care about much; meaning things don’t get me riled up like they use to. I always felt being passionate and verbal about things meant I cared. I care about love and calm now and not a whole lot else. I’ve got a long way to go in my desire for calmness at all times. I do enjoy viewing the world a lot differently than I use to. I strongly see there really isn’t anything worth being upset. Nothing really does matter. That doesn’t mean I don’t care about having joy in this life. I care about my joy, helping others find their joy, and staying open to all possibilities. There is no reason for the fear. It is driven by us and can be released by us. Releasing all of my fears is my goal. I have found the easiest way for me to do this is to focus on the things I appreciate in my life any time I find myself feeling anything other than love or acceptance towards myself or others.
While this feels like an odd place to stop writing, I have nothing esle to say so I will stop here.