What Am I supposed to Learn?

I’m experiencing an interesting phenomenon. This has been going on for a few years. It has to do with attachment, I’m sure. The thing is my vehicles. I can take my vehicle to someone for service, of some kind, and everything is wonderful for the first visit. After the first visit is when things become more interesting. The service is still usually okay but the time required becomes more and more extensive. The reason for the extensive amount of time is easily explained in that the people who are servicing my vehicle are using it for themselves and, therefore, keeping it long past the time they need it or not servicing it in favor of using it. How do I know this? Well, the odometer is a great way to tell. I’ve had the odometer turned back 2,000 miles.  I have no idea how far it was driven that time but if you feel a need to turn it back 2,000 miles, my guess is it was quite an extensive trip. Normally, I notice it’s been driven 100 – 200 miles. Thankfully, the users replace the fuel. But still, what is the fascination with my vehicles? Maybe this happens to a lot of people and I just never hear about it. I do not know.

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What I’ve Learned about My Health

In an earlier post, I said I’d let you know if my energy lasted. The answer is Yes and No. It is very dependent on the weather. If the weather is perfect for me (between 60 and 75 degrees) then, yes, my energy is good and I can do whatever I want. If the weather is colder than 60, I have symptoms from being too cold. As long as I’m able to keep myself warm, I can do whatever I want. Otherwise, I’m shivering, I experience tremors, fatigue, cognitive challenges, etc. If the weather is above 75 degrees, and the humidity is above 40%, then I need to sleep because I have no real ability to function. My energy is depleted to the point of being gone. I can force myself to do things but that results in my body purging from both ends for one to three days, depending on how long I push myself. Interestingly, the temperature can rise to 85 degrees if the humidity is below 40% and I’m still fine. Admittedly, anything above 80 degrees, even with the low humidity, means less energy and more of me just being able to be outside as long as I don’t do anything. So, that’s where I am health wise. I believe I understand what I need to learn about my health at this time.

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Our Thoughts 


We have so many influences in our lives but we are our biggest influence. Children try to understand their environments. Since they really have no point of reference, they think they are responsible for what happens around them whether that’s true or not. Of course, since few people take responsibility for their own lives, many are very willing to allow the child to take the responsibility. So, we make up stories in our heads to explain the world around us. Then, even as we, logically, learn our stories are false (if we think about them) we still don’t change the story. We continue to take responsibility for things which have nothing to do with us. I’m trying to write my own story and leave out all the assumptions I’ve ingrained over the years. The challenge lies in getting rid of all the stories including the ones I’ve yet to recognize as stories.

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Realizations

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I’ve been a little down because the heat and humidity of Indiana has me stuck indoors sitting in Air Conditioning. I have thought I’ve been angry, and I probably am a little, but I’m more unhapppy because I’m in a location which does not serve me best and I need to be here for awhile. So, while the location is serving me in providing what I need as far as physical materials, it does not serve my health. Anyway, I’ve been focused on how I’m not particularly happy about being here.

This morning, I got to see how much I’ve changed and how well I’m doing at living from a place of love. I desire to feel love emanating from my heart at all times. I’ve not been feeling like that is my reality but this morning I took my husband to his workplace and saw many of his coworkers. I’ve known these people for many years and not seen them for several years. One of them is retiring and I’ve known him since we were students together; over 36 years. I’m so happpy for him and I got to congratulate him. I’m so glad! The biggest thing I noticed was how full of love my heart felt. I could feel love emanating from me out to the entire workspace. That’s when I realized I’m achieving my goals of living in love even when I don’t realize it. It was fun to go around the office and give hugs to all the people I knew and meet some of Jeff’s new coworkers he wanted me to meet and whom he wanted to meet me.

So, while this is a very short blog post, it is filled with happiness about my realizations. I don’t know why it’s so difficult for me to remember heat and humidity take a toll on my health. Now, I can remember that, even when I don’t feel like I’m making progress, the progress will show itself at the most unexpected times.

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Just Another Day

I’m back at Ceraland which is in my home town. I didn’t expect to be here this year. I had hoped to be in New Mexico. However, life doesn’t always work out the way we plan. We’ll see if I’ve learned anything from life.

Instead of saying I’m going to (insert statement). I have begun to say I hope to (insert statement). I realize I don’t have control over everything and I need to listen to the Universe better. Yes, I’ve made this discovery before, many times. I’m just not the best at letting go and just allowing my life to flow the way the Universe desires. I suspect there are a few people who experience the same challenge. I’m really trying to change this about myself and, while I do keep failing and trying over and over, I know one day I will remember to flow and then it will have become my new habit. In the meantime, I will fail and flow repeatedly.

Another area, I’m trying to change is I no longer wish to try to label whatever is happening with me. Having a label gives me something to focus upon and that focus is always external to myself. My improvement in my health only happens when I am not focused on labeling whatever is happening. I know this yet I continue to look for the label. My last blog post was about labeling my experience. Source and I are working together to create my experience while here on Earth. The same is true for every human being. While we may have similar experiences, each of our experiences is unique and tailer made for us so none are truly alike and, therefore, cannot be labeled. I’m sure I will fail to remember this and will rediscover it again and again.

I had experienced a vast improvement in my last blog. Of course, since I was feeling so good, I allowed stress into my life, quit meditating on a daily basis, and wore myself down. I can expect nothing less from myself until I learn the lessons I’ve covered above. So, my truck is in the shop and I’m on enforced ‘not doing’ because I don’t have a vehicle for running errands. After one day of rest, I was mentally beating myself up for being tired. I finally realized it had only been one day and told myself to quit being so mean to me. I’ve been better since and I’m beginning to find my energy again.

When I got home, I had this feeling I should try to ride a 2 wheeled bicycle again. I have not been able to ride one since May 2005. So, I went to Wal-Mart and tried one of their bicycles. I could ride it! While I knew I would probably be able to ride, since the Universe had told me to try it, I was still surprised and very pleased I could actually ride. Yay! I spent 3 weeks running errands, walking, and riding my bicycle before the “doing” overcame me and I was sick for about 12 hours. Even though I was really sick for those 12 hours, only about 4 – 6 of them were really bad and the remainder were just me sleeping. That was not a bad price to pay. I know because that’s the lightest price I’ve paid since 2002.

I’ve been experiencing quite a bit of times where I feel lightheaded. That’s not a good explanation for what I’m experiencing but it’s the only word I can think of. I don’t feel the room spinning or like I’m going to fall. Mostly, I just feel like I’ve moved a little when I haven’t actually moved at all. Positioning does not affect when it happens nor does movement. I can be lying down with my eyes closed and feel it happen. It might be blood sugar being too low but that’s the only thing I and the doctors can suspect as everything else checks out wonderfully.

Yesterday, my body decided I should reconsider a raw, fruit with some veggies diet. Not a diet as in to lose weight, a diet as in this is how I should eat for a while. I don’t know how long. This kind of eating, while good, has never been the way I eat. I like fruits and I like some veggies but I also like cooked food, especially meat. I also really like dairy products and eggs. I’ve never done a raw or mainly fruit and veggie way of eating even though my body has suggested I consider it for several years now. I have added those items to my intake more frequently so the way I eat has changed a lot from when I left home in 2015. But the Universe and my body are being more insistent this time so I’m going to give it a try and see what happens.

I’ve read up on what happens when people do a raw food diet so I know all the normal stuff that most people experience. The Universe knows I’m not into suffering so I don’t want to go through anything that feels bad to me. I can detox, I just don’t want side effects. I can lose weight, just no side effects. We’ll see what happens. I will follow what my body suggests and see if that is strictly fruits and veggies or if other foods are interspersed. I started today so I have no data yet. I don’t normally eat a lot so I don’t know how I’m going to consume enough calories or if I’m lessening my need for food. Again, I’ll just have to wait and see. My body still has me resting so I’m not expending many calories.

Even though I’m resting, my energy levels haven’t dropped since I had the transformation I talked about in the last post and it’s been a month. I am still covering a lot of ground when I walk and I have discontinued most naps. I still feel really solid in my body even with the lightheadedness. I’m experiencing changes every week which are improving my physical body. I never know what they are going to be, I just notice them when/after they happen.

I’m not making some overnight, miraculous recovery. Yes, it is miraculous in that doctors don’t believe it even when they see it but I always knew it would happen when I understood what I needed to do. As I type that, I have to admit I don’t understand what I’m doing. The only thing I’ve really done is open myself up to the Universe and learn to listen more and more closely. I allow the Universe to do whatever needs to be done and all I ask is that I don’t have to experience suffering of any kind while I’m doing what they ask. For the most part, the Universe has complied. I did have some nervous system stuff happening in my leg a few days ago that wasn’t comfortable but I knew it was happening because something was being fixed. The next day my leg felt really good and wasn’t bothering me at all. I’ve had some discomfort in it since but not bad and less and less each day.

I wish I had some magic solution for everyone in chronic pain, illness, or suffering of any kind. I don’t. The path I’ve chosen isn’t easy because it goes against all I was raised to believe and how I’ve been encouraged to behave. However, it’s working for me. Even though I encounter people who will ridicule or call me a liar, I can’t let that determine how I live my life especially when my health is improving. Other people have to live their lives and I have to live mine. If anything I’m doing or saying helps another person, I’m exceedingly grateful. It’s the reason I write this blog.

People don’t communicate with me much on this blog and that’s fine. Like I said, I write it so that, hopefully, someone finds something useful within it. If you’d like to share what is going on with you, I’d love to hear. If you’ve found anything useful, I’d love to hear. If you just want to tell me why you read the blog, I’d love to hear.

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Kundalini Awakening

Kundalini Awakening, also called the Dark Night of the Soul, is something I’ve heard about before but I was under the impression it happened really quickly, as in a week would be a long time. I don’t know why I was browsing YouTube and looking for information about Kundalini Awakenings but I found some personal accounts from people who are going through this awakening and their awakenings are lasting years. Actually, years seems very appropriate for what I’ve learned about Kundalini Awakenings. They are supposedly about letting go of all the superficiality and illusions and finding our way to our Soul and connection with the Universe.

Some of the personal accounts I listened to sounded so much like my experiences, which I’ve written about before. These stories were very similar to each other and had many things in common with my own experiences. Now, I freely admit I’d not thought about my experiences as being about some already understood and accepted Spiritual Journey though I was well aware I was on a Spiritual Journey. In other words, I didn’t think there was a name, and long tradition, for what I was going through.

So, after reading more and listening to the videos, I decided I’d give the idea that my experiences are about awakening a try. I would submit and allow energy to open and flow and see if it made any difference in my life. I’d quit trying to get better and allow myself to get better; a subtle distinction but an important one. I began immediately by lying back in my recliner and just imagining energy flowing uninterrupted up my spinal cord from my sacrum through the top of my head. When I began, I was in pain in my left hip and couldn’t walk without hobbling and my entire back hurt. I allowed myself to fall asleep while I was still running the energy. Since I know sleep is when we are best connected, I figured I would let the Universe work on me all night.
When I awoke the next morning, I was pleasantly surprised to find I could walk without limping and my back didn’t hurt. I wasn’t surprised about my back because my back hurts mostly when I’m tired. However, my hip had been bothering me for a couple weeks so I was surprised it wasn’t hurting. Of course, it could be a fluke. But I decided I would, daily, run the energy along my spine and just see what happened.

I’ve been running the energy every day. I routinely have pain in my hip or back but, when I run the energy, it goes away and I feel more energetic. I walked a mile yesterday and my hip didn’t hurt at all. I’ve also found that, when I begin thinking negatively, my mind is switching to running the energy on its own. That made me laugh because I didn’t have to intervene, my mind intervened for me. So, I am routinely running the energy throughout the day. I don’t do anything special when running the energy. I simply imagine energy flowing up my spine, from my sacrum through my head, and I don’t worry about the direction of the flow. I’m reading about Kundalini Awakening now and also Tantra, which is so much more than Tantric Sex. Since beginning this experiment a week ago, my energy has increased significantly, my mind is focusing itself on positive thoughts, and, while I still experience pain in my body, I can lessen it quickly by running the energy while doing whatever I’m doing.

I do realize that all the things I’ve done up to this point play an integral part in my ability to run this energy and the changes happening in my mind. We are all on our own journey and it’s playing out exactly as it is suppoed to. We are all exactly where we are supposed to be. There is no need to fight or strive. I realize it can be a challenge to accept and lean into our experiences. Lord, knows I’ve spent a good many  years fighting my experiences. I’ve only decided to really allow and accept this past week. It’s working for me but maybe I needed to struggle and fight all those years. If I hadn’t, I wouldn’t understand others resistance to allowing and accepting; it sounds too much like quitting and we’re not quitters. I’m sure there is much more for me to learn.

I have begun to wonder if all the people who have Fibromyalgia, Chronic Fatigue, and any Autoimmune Disorder are really just going through a Kundalini Awakening. After all, there is an awakening happening on this planet and many people are involved whether they realize it or not. Could it be that there’s no scientific explanation for these dis-eases because they aren’t scientific? Could they all be Spiritual?

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Anger as a Dis-ease

When one is a love based person, becoming and angry person is a long, insidious process. When love is the norm, it can take years before the recognition that one is angry even becomes obvious. Love based people tend to love the angry and try to be understanding. However, prolonged periods of exposure to anger will eventually cause  most love based people to become infected. I call it an infection because, like an infection, I didn’t realize I was infected for years. I was also exposed during all this time I was oblivious to the anger. I knew something was off, I just didn’t know what. I still felt loving and kind most of the time. It was only rarely I felt anger and that’s normal. Right?

After many, many years, I decided I needed a break from the anger around me. By this time, I knew the anger was there, I just hadn’t realized I was infected. I has taken about 2 years away and I find myself constantly coming back to being angry. Why? I’m where I’m happiest. What is wrong?

Finally, today, it hit me. I am acting just like the angry people I’ve left behind. I can’t leave them behind because I’ve become angry too; a hateful, vindictive, vengeful kind of angry. I’ve never felt this way in my entire life. To be clear, I’m not saying one or two people infected me. This is probably a lifetime of anger exposure which has finally become invasive enough for me to feel it. I’m hoping that, if it took this long to have a noticeable effect, I can wipe it out fairly quickly. On the other hand, the roots may be deep and difficult to discover.

As in anything, recognition is the first step to resolve the issue. I will have to let you know how this turns out since I’m just beginning the process of removing the infection. I’m hopeful that recognition is the hardest part and that the recovery will happen quickly.

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I Forgive Myself


Most of us know we have something to give to the world. We may or may not know what that something is but we always know there is a reason for our being here and it isn’t because of an accidental pregnancy.

Like many of the people who know they have something to give, I have never really known what I’m here to do. On the other hand, I know I’m here to teach. I don’t know what I’m supposed to teach exactly; I just know I’m supposed to teach. I suspect I’m supposed to teach about loving ourselves and giving our gifts to the world in such a way as to maintain our self-love while providing a useful gift. Truthfully, that’s a balancing act I’ve not achieved. Though I hear we teach what we most need to learn. I suspect that is part of what this blog is about, me talking about what I most need to learn and, hopefully, others learning from my experiences.

Today, I wrote up a Forgiveness Manifesto for myself and I wish to share it. It is not your normal forgiveness material. Most forgiveness things say I forgive myself for not …. Everything is written from the negative perspective. Since I know we draw into our lives more of what we talk about, I decided to write this manifesto from a positive perspective.

The Forgiveness Manifesto

I forgive myself for wanting people in my life who respect themselves and, therefore, others.

I forgive myself for wanting love, kindness, and gentleness in my life.

I forgive myself for wanting a peaceful and joyful life.

I forgive myself for wanting civilized, caring discussions around disagreements.

I forgive myself for learning as I go and needing time and experience to know what I want.

I forgive myself for knowing what I want and ignoring it.

I forgive myself for wanting time away from all responsibilities.

I forgive myself for wanting time to myself, a lot of time.

I forgive myself for needing time in Nature.

I forgive myself for letting others take responsibilitty for themselves.

I forgive myself for my anger for it shows me where I need stronger boundsaries.

I forgive myself for walking away from people and situations where there is no way for me to make a positive difference.

I forgive myself for knowing some of what I want and knowing there’s no way for me to get it and rely in any finacial way on others.

I fogive myself for being afraid to step into my power even though I’m unsure where my power lies.

I forgive myself for relying on humans and animals to meet my emotional needs.

I forgive myself for turning away from God even when I knew/know that’s where all my answers lie.

I forgive myself for taking on the beliefs and perspectives of others.

I forgive myself for often compromising myself to keep/make others happy.

I forgive myself for thinking I have the power or responsibility to make others happy.

I forgive myself for failing to put forth the effort to do the things I think I might be good at doing.

I forgive myself for listening to other’s limited view of me.

I forgive myself for every way I have failed myself.

I forgive myself.  ~ Therese Sandhage

So often when we do forgiveness things we talk about the ways in which we need to be more understanding. If that gives you value, then by all means, go for it. Being more understanding tends to make me feel badly about myself. I berate myself for having needs and not putting others before myself. If I’m always putting myself last then I have nothing to give to others so there is no way I can care for their needs. That is why I wrote this manifesto the way I did. It empowers me to do what I need to do so I can be available for others.

I don’t want to judge, be critical, disrespect others. But I become those things when I don’t take care of myself. If I constantly listen to someone disrespect those around them and be unwilling to take any responsibility for their actions then I become critical and judging. At that point, I need to learn to cut off communication.

So, the above manifesto is for me. It is to build my foundation so I can be the Truth of who I was born to be; who I am at my core. I’m sure I will fail, more often than not, before I get it right. Eventuallly, I will form new habits around these thoughts. I will turn each of these statements into an “I deserve” statement in the hopes of creating a new belief system for myself. I hope this helps some of you find a way to create your own manifesto to become your complete, awesome wholeness.

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Perfection and Belief Systems

“You are perfect. It is because of all the messages adopted from outside influences that make you less than your true perfection. Let go of all the ‘stuff’ you’ve acquired in your heads and bodies and get closer to your true perfection.” ~ Therese Sandhage

This is a realization I’ve had and forgotten many times. I’m always shocked to remember I am perfect. Admittedly, I read similar things about perfection in books and in quotes but the little voices in my head always say the quote will be true when I no longer hold onto injustices, can be proactive in all situations, and nothing bothers me. It’s always a striving, someplace I will be in the future. The thing is, we are each born perfect. Everything that happens, including interactions with every person, place, thing we’ve encountered in our lives, contributes to the continuance of our perfection or we adapt an external belief which takes away from our perfection.

While this realization has been with me for some time, I still revert to feeling badly and beating up on myself for perceived wrongdoings. However, I do keep coming back to the realization of my perfection and the perfection of everyone else at a Soul level. I’ve released many things I’ve held onto for years; things I wanted other people to feel sorry they did to me.

Whether someone intentionally seeks to harm me becomes less relevant when I realize everything people do is about them. If I take on other people’s ideas of who I am and how I need to act then I am allowing them to influence my perfection. If their opinions resonate with me and increase my positive self-image then it is possible I want to adopt those beliefs. I do not have to adopt any of the beliefs, I can adopt some of the beliefs, or I can adopt a modified version of the beliefs.

If a person is upset with me, it is not about me. It is about them. When someone starts yelling at me, I realize I’ve challenged one of their belief systems. If they need me to agree with them that implies, to me, they are unsure of themselves. I do not have to agree with someone to like them.

Some ways to identify our belief systems are to watch other people, either by people watching or by watching TV. While TV is contrived, it does a good job of taking beliefs and exaggerating them to make a point. If I see something on TV which causes a strong reaction then I know I’ve had a belief system confirmed or challeged. That gives me the opportunity to evaluate whether the belief is something I want to keep, modify, or release. There have been many times when I’ve suddenly realized it was time to release a belief  which has served me well for many years. I know it is important for me to look at all of my beliefs whether they are about people, animals, the environment, food, shelter, clothing, politics, religion, spirituality, health, sex, exercise, music, I could go on and on. The point is to look at everything. It’s especially important I do not refrain from looking at a subject, especially any I feel are ‘wrong’ to question. For me, it is important to look closely at any subject which has a lot of dogma around it. It’s equally important, to me, to not be dogmatic in my beliefs. I must be willing to change my beliefs as I learn and grow even if they directly contradict a previously held belief.

I believe that, as long as my belief system is based in love and compassion, I am on the right track. It is only when I feel fearful that I get angry and sef-absorbed, Fear limits what I can see as solutions. It clouds my judgment. I become absorbed by my fear and lose my compassion for myself and others. I do not believe we can hold fear and love at the same time. I prefer the way love feels so I believe it is the better option for me. What do you believe? Why?

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3 Ways of Being in the World


I’ve found there are basically 3 ways of being in the world: Reactive, Proactive, and Self-Aware. Reactive means a situation occurs and I have a habitual reaction to it. Proactive means when the same situation occurs I have a reaction which gives me the result I desire. Self-awareness happens when the situation occurs and I feel empathy or no reaction.

As a reactive person, I am normally responding to life in the way I’ve been trained to see the world. I react the way other family members react. A reaction can be anything from screaming, yelling, crying, hitting, to complete withdrawal and leaving the situation, either physically, emotionally, or mentally. We learn reactive responses as children. We develop them to help us cope with the stresses of our lives. If they work, and sometimes, even if they don’t, we internalize them to such a degree they become habits. In the world of psychology, the situations are called “triggers” because they trigger a consistent reaction within us.

Once we develop enough self-awareness to recognize which situations cause specific reactions, we are left with the choice of whether to change our behavior. If we choose to make a change, we must decide how we will react in the future. Once we can consciously choose our reaction it can become proactive.

Proactive means we choose to be aware of what is happening around us so we can, often, diffuse situations. When being proactive we not only are aware of our reactions but we are aware of the actions of everyone around us. In this place, we can help create calm amid chaos, look at various angles of a situation, and make reasoned decisions without letting ours or other’s emotions and reactions influence us. Proactive means situations, which use to generate a habitual response, no longer generate any visible emotional response. As this happens, new scenarios will present themselves which will trigger old responses. This is a training process and takes time to learn. When I find myself realizing old triggers no longer affect me, I know I am on the path to more self-awareness.

I don’t know if anyone ever achieves complete self-awareness. I know I haven’t. There are areas where I’m very self-aware, some where I’m proactive, and some where I am still reactive. Luckily, I catch myself more quickly in the reactive situations so I can, often stop myself. Once stopped, I then figure out what is being triggered within me. The “triggered” part of myself still has healing work to do. Most of my issues center around feelings of abandonment. This is an issue for many people. Self-love can be difficult. It is absolutely necessary to achieve complete self-awareness. We are the only ones who can love us enough to heal us. Other’s love is nice but it will not fill the holes within.

The holes within happen to us as children. I believe we are born whole, complete.The external influences begin to tell us who we are, what we lack, how we fail to complete or fulfill someone else. Because of these external expectations, over which we have no control, we begin to feel deficient. The outside world confirms this new knowledge and tells if we’d only do better everything will be alright. We internalize this message. Some of us even begin to believe we are responsible for everything:  divorce, other’s happiness, death, attacks against ourselves or others. I find it amazing we function at all.

I was blessed to experience three days of complete self-awareness. Though I have not achieved it since, I know where I’m going and I understand what I must do to get there. It is a process  and I’m developing a love of the process. During those three days I was fearless. If someone was hurt, angry, or upset, all I could feel was an overwhelming love for them. I call it overwhelming because I’ve never felt anything so strongly and it took over my body. I felt like my body wasn’t big enough to hold my heart. I also noticed, when this feeling would come over me, the other person calmed and seemed to feel better even though I’d done and said nothing. When I spoke, the quality of my voice was noticeable, even to me. I could hear love with every word I spoke. I wondered if others would hear it and, from their comments, I soon found out they did. My husband, who was in another country, commented on my voice the first time we talked. He commented that I sounded so happy and calm and I could hear the emotion in his voice. I could tell he really wanted to be near me because of my complete self-awareness. I noticed my emotions were more calm. My happiness wasn’t as gleeful as before and sadness wasn’t heart wrenching. I noticed missing the highs and lows and being unsure which state is better.

After a couple of days, I notice the fears of others beginning to chip away at me and bring forth my old fears (triggers). I’m glad for the experience. I want to achieve that place again. In time, I believe I will. Until then, I will continue towards loving myself and filling the holes  within so I will be complete and can love completely.

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